First, we have to ask a question. How was being a victim in the system serving me?
Did I go to the outpatient mental health clinic & stay inpatient at the mental hospital only because I wanted drugs to change my brain?
What was I ACTUALLY seeking? What rewards was I getting by playing the victim? What did that staff give me that I wasn’t getting from others, and felt I was unable to give myself?
Belonging, non judgment, affirmations, education, escape from the home life I hated, protection from abuse, empathy, a new perspective, peace, time to think alone. A new beginning, self esteem.
The mental ward showed me that I WASN’T crazy. No, NOT on some Jerry Springer stuff! I didn’t feel superior because there were people worse off than me.
Many people would say things that showed me I wasn’t alone, especially the staff. Patients experienced the same type of traumas I had. They experienced emotional, mental, spiritual and physical problems similar to mine.
People in my inner circle (home, school etc) Would tell me I was wrong, sick, crazy, the things I said happened weren’t true, (like the rape, or even my ideas of being a superstar). They told me “You shouldn’t feel that way”, And so on. I never felt really cared for, or that anybody ever even tried. They were phoning it in. (Looking back, how could they show up for me? They hated themselves!)
In the mental ward, I was free. Not only to say and do what I wanted, but to ask questions and have people answer honestly also.
People in my life would not talk to me. I understand not trusting people, I’ve been there, come on! I was raped by my dad and experienced many traumas beyond that at home.
People didn’t open up to me. It was like egg shell walking and the dentist unsuccessfully pulling teeth. It was a cul de sac. Never ending. Not going anywhere. Unfulfilling.
I felt disconnected, left out. Unwanted. Unloved. Unnecessary.
ONE THING THAT GAVE ME A RIP IN THE SPACE TIME CONTINUUM?
I saw a helicopter view. (I WENT TO MY FUTURE) I saw a woman over 70 years old who had no family, no friends, and was stuck in the system depending on strangers to genuinely care for her. I will not apologize when I say this--IT WON’T HAPPEN! People who are PAID (NO MATTER WHAT THE AMOUNT) will NEVER care for you (and keep it real, how could they?) the way you NEED THEM TO!
Part 2 coming tomorrow!